Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
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[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
The 6 types of sex
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”