The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
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8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.