my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
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me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?