[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
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People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.