*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
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Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”