Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead