[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
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my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes