Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
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Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Big Sex has us all fooled
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns