The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
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Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
*3.5 thank you very much.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma