Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
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[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.