Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
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Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers