I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
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As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99