[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Lol
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
*jazz hands*
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.