[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
You Might Also Like
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*