Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
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me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
getting groceries
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”