ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
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Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.