Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Hmm, not sure about this change
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀