My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
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Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
m’lady
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy