My plans: 2020:
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“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming