I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
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I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
それは草
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!