[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
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People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.