*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine