Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
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Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
The legends speak of a third Duran…
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP