Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
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“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags: