Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
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I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science