Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
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I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*