9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
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Alarms are for people without children or puppies
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Boating season is upon us.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY