My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
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“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
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a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?