10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
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You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter