Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
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me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
That de-escalated quickly
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.