three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
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[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
A leaf blower, but for people.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
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FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
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Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.