Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
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*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it鈥檚 only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who鈥檚 the dumb one now?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god鈥檚 delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You鈥檙e supposed to be asleep.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I鈥檓 too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma鈥檃m, I only asked you to stand up.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 馃槓
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 馃槶
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.