Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
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[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Chicago sounds lovely.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
eggs benadryl
Bloody internet 😳
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.