10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
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[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
my name if I was in the mob
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi: