me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
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Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
*Inspirational Tweets*
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
The glockness monster
Tier 3 meme
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.