My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
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“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir