Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
My boss called in sick of me
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan