*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
You Might Also Like
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house