Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
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Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Employees must applaud the planets.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.