“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.