Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
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I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
translated into Canadian
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]