I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
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therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Best spoiler warning ever
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.