My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
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Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.