[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.