I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
termite twitter scares me
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*