A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
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Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.