A cabbage a day keeps people away.
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most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats