lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
You Might Also Like
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time