Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
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Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
But is it really??
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction