*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
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DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
damn he’s good
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways